Monday, July 30, 2007

Does TMNT Talk Work at a Gay Bar?

This last weekend was my bro's bachelor party. We went down to Kansas City and did the standard stuff - Hooters, baseball, beer, etc. For me, the craziest stuff happened on Saturday night (fortunately, I didn't do anything to piss off my wife). I was bored at the bar we were at, so I decided to go find another somewhere else. Turns out I ended up going by myself. So, here I am in downtown KC, walking down the street at like 12:15 am trying to find a bar to walk into. I walk about a block and am presented with 2 immediate choices: 1) a bar that appears to be full of bikers, and 2) a bar that is playing hip-hop and pop, but I can't see inside. Figuring that I would take a shot to the face at the biker bar, I went into the hip-hop bar. Besides, I had seen a couple normal looking people go in already, so I wasn't too worried about it.

Of course, as I enter the door, I realize that there's a f-ing cover. I hate covers, but I paid it anyway (it was only $5) and made my way up to the bar and ordered a beer. I quickly realized that something wasn't right - I appeared to have stumbled into one of KC's premier gay bars. Good times! Seeing as how I myself am not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) I was again presented with 2 choices: 1) immediately leave or 2) pony up to the bar and people watch. Seeing as how I was by myself, had already paid a cover and the Boulevard was only $1, I decided to stick it out.

Let's be honest, I saw some things that night that I never really want to see again (a fishnet thong does not look good on a male) and some things that intrigued me (there was a dance floor full of lesbians - I'll let you dream up the details (SFW)) but overall the people were actually really nice. In fact, you may not find nicer people than at a gay bar. The nicest person may have been my butch bartender, Marge, who reminded me of this chick.

Sadly, Marge was not that chick or else I could have impessed her with my TMNT knowledge. Like reciting the lines from this PSA (apparently Mike had the munchies while filming that commercial). On the other hand, if Marge was that chick, I may be dead - there's no telling what a psycho chick like that would do. This chick is over the top. I don't even know what to say and since this is my job, I'll switch the topic...

...Speaking of Marge, I saw The Simpson's Movie this weekend. Funny? Yes. Very funny? Nah. It was very well executed and translated much better than the South Park movie, I think. Of course, the slight disappointment I felt should be brought back by Superbad which has me very excited.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Will I Get Sick If I Eat a Cholo?

I shouldn't have to reiterate this, but I keep my ear to the streets. Since I've moved from Austin, this has become slightly more difficult, as there are not real hip-hop stations here in Lincoln. Anyway, before I left Austin, the song "Lean Like a Cholo" was getting blasted, but here in Lincoln it is just now starting to get play. Of course, people in both Austin and Lincoln are asking "What is a Cholo?" Fortunately, I have a friend that is fluent in Spanish Urban Dictionary to ask. A cholo is a Mexican gangster for a more specific definition click the link or watch this music video filled with bad acting.

This song catching on made me start thinking about hip-hop in general. I have been listening to hip-hop since the old-school (way before the original version of that song). I don't really know when, but somewhere along the way hip-hop became mainstream. I mean really mainstream, more than just Vanilla Ice. The first time I remember a lot of my friends buying a rap album I had it was Dr. Dre's (The Chronic) 2001. Up until that point, most of them liked a song here or there, but it was never big-time. Once white suburban America got into hip-hop, it exploded (financially...of course you can argue that this was also the death of true hip-hop).

Hip-hop turning mainstream is not what I want to talk about - I'll leave that to people smarter than me - but if you can remember back to before hip-hop became mainstream, one of the biggest arguments hip-hop haters had was that it doesn't take talent to be a good rapper. You don't hear that argument anymore do you? Know why? Its because since hip-hop became mainstream, we've seen all kinds of people try to rap. And most of those people sucked. A lot. Today, we'll take a look at some of the failures (technically, I've already showed you one - its just that I kinda like the song despite the bad flow).

The first one hits close to home. Tommie Frazier was a member of one of the greatest college football team of all time, the '95 Nebraska Cornhuskers. Frazier was the best player on that team and could have been great in the NFL if not for blood clots. Unfortunately, he also attempted to drop a freestyle with his boy Terrell Farley in a hotel room.

You know its getting real raw when you're spitting into a tabasco sauce bottle. Fortunately for Tommie (and me since I'm writing this post), he's not the only one with a ridiculous rap video.

You may not know, but Hip-Hop Harry is a popular kids show. I can't even make it through that entire video. Holy nuts. Can't we just kids to watch their Baby Einstein videos like Baby Jesus. Besides, I don't think a bear with talk with a voice like that anyway - it definitely should be lower (I want some of that stuff...someone make that happen for me).

I would assume that Tommie and Hip-Hop Harry know they are ridiculous. The best things, as is the case in all of life, are when people don't think they are atrocious. Such is the case of RehDogg (not to be confused with Snoop Dogg).

Why must you make me cry, RehDogg. That video is so low rent, it won't even make it on BET late-night programming. I guess you could argue that RehDogg isn't mainstream considering most of you haven't heard of him, but he is on the and has a website. That's close enough for me.

Of course, these are not the only perpitrators, I could go on all day, but in the interest of actually publishing this post, I'll stop here.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Ninjas Don't Dance, They Boogie

It has been a long time since I've written a ninja post. What better way to make up for that than by writing a post celebrating true American Japanese heroes. Those crazy Japanese give us all kinds of crazy shit, but the best is clearly ninjas (with a close second being video games). Some people are afraid of ninjas; I, however, know that as long as ninjas are dancing like this, we're ok.

You may be asking yourself "What happened to ninjas? I mean, outside of the Ninja Turtles, I haven't seen a ninja in years!" Well, ninjas liked to maintain a secret identity but in the age of the Internets, that was going to be too hard. Instead they trained celebrities to be ninjas because no one would suspect them to be ninjas. Don't believe me? Let's check it out.

It started with Bruce Lee, who may have actually been a ninja. I'm not sure. In any case, let's take a look at his ninja prowess - here is one of his imitators, Bruce Li battling a Gorilla.

Bruce Lee was a little too obvious, so they decided to teach another actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Of course, they had to train Arnold in a different type of ninjitsu. Let's take a look at Arnold's ninja abilities as we watch him fight a bear.

You know, it appears that ninjas only fight other animals. Shredder always fought the Turtles, Bruce Li is fighting a gorilla, Arnold is taking on a bear...maybe Michael Vick is a ninja.

Unfortunately, since I've uncovered their scheme, they have had to go to someone even more unsuspecting, Trishelle (NSFW) from Real World Las Vegas.

God help us if that's who the ninjas are picking as their successors. I guess they don't really care because the future of ninjas is apparently robots like Optimus Prime.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Who Didn't Love Mike Tyson's Punch-Out?

Good news! The internets are being installed in my house today! Turns out Time Warner Cable is really, really slow. Honestly, I can hook up my cable box, just flip the damn switch, TWC. Anyway, once I have the internets at my disposal, I'll be able to return to normal posting (hopefully).

Anyway, as I said Sunday night, I was watching the ESPY's. They were hosted by basketball god Lebron James (doing a Bobby Brown song there) and Jimmy Kimmel. I've always liked Kimmel since The Man Show, but I wasn't sure whether he could make it on a late-night talk show. I knew he would make it when his show survived a week with Mike Tyson as a co-host. I love Mike Tyson because he's crazy, but my favorite thing about Tyson was Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. The only way that game could have been better was to have Phil Hartman do the commercial. If you've ever played Punch-Out, and specifically Mike Tyson, you may not think that it can be beaten, but this video shows it can happen.

Let's be honest, Mike Tyson complementing someone on their finger speed is both improbable and ironic (considering is finger rape charges). Also, if you're ever in a situation where Mike Tyson winks at you (watch his eye very closely on the screen after he is beaten), be very scared. Also, that may be one of the worst Nintendo game endings ever (that may be a challenge, I'm not sure), considering how hard it was to get there. That's the real shot to the nuts. Seriously, there should have been a bonus level like this one where you get to fight Michael Jackson as Macaulay Culkin.

If you were paying attention today, there is two Bobby Brown references in the post. I'm not really a huge Bobby Brown fan, but you know who is? Whitney Houston. And anytime I mention Whitney, I get to show my favorite clip from The Soup. A stretch? Maybe, but it is worth it.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Week in Recap: ESPY's

Tonight I am over at my old house watching Entourage. We just finished up watching the ESPY's. The parts I saw were actually pretty good (except that everyone kept mispronouncing the names). This was probably the best thing that ESPN has generated in a while - and way, way, way better than the BS "Who's Now" crap. That stuff is so bad that even NewsWeek took a shot at the World Wide Leader. I won't elaborate on the issue too much because I think that article covers it pretty well, but I will say this - I used to love ESPN, now I watch as little as possible.

Anyway, here is one of my favorite moments of the ESPY's, Jamie Foxx singing to Serena Williams (which is funny regardless of whether you think she is hot or a man-beast).

On to the Recap...

On Wednesday, I returned from my unplanned vacation during my move with an awesome Die Hard music video.

Friday, we took a look at R. Kelly's DVD special on Trapped in the Closet. Also, sorry about the F-bomb, I was just really pissed about the lack of tacos/kolatches.

Have a good week.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Casual Dress Friday: Dresser Doesn't Rhyme With Baretta

It is a Casual Dress Friday here at the Skeet Thrower, and today may actually be the first time that I've actually been more casually dressed on a Friday than I usually am. Today, I tried to buy kolatches or breakfast tacos to celebrate my first week at my new jobby-job. Turns out Lincoln doesn't have either anywhere. What. The. Fuck. That's bush, Lincoln. Real Bush league. If I could punch you in the face, I would.

Anyway, as you know, when I'm not looking for delicious breakfast tacos, I like to keep my ear to the streets. Of course, part of keeping my ear to the streets is keeping tabs on some of the craziest figures running around such as Mike Tyson, Daniel Artest and R. Kelly (that would be a must if it wasn't on Mad TV). R. Kelly might be my favorite because he makes such good music, but he also does ridiculous things like pee on underage chicks.

One thing R. Kelly did that was ludicrous was the Trapped in the Closet music video thing. That was absurd. If you haven't seen it (although I'm not sure how you missed it), you can catch the first 5 parts on that link (but I don't recommend it). That said, the unintentional comedy of TITC is hard to match. Fortunately, the DVD commentary (there was a DVD?) added by R. Kelly has really added to it. But before you watch it, I want you to say two words: "Dresser" and "Baretta."

I like how he keeps looking over his shoulder like "Hey, hey, this is a good part. Watch this!" Also, I've been known to do a little freestylin' (but bloggin' is the new rappin', right? Right?), so I understand trying to force a rhyme, but I just can't make the rhyme "dresser" and "baretta" work. Dres-ser. Ba-ret-ta. For as atrocious as the TITC videos are, I can't complain because they gave me one of the funniest moments from South Park all-time.

You keep your head up R. Kelly (that's what she said). Keep making comedies music videos where you are dressed ridiculously and I'll be happy.

Have a good weekend and exercise caution - it is Friday the 13th.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

New Job, New Digs, Same Blog

So, it turns out that moving and starting a new job really inhibits the whole blog thing. I spent most of last week packing (NSFW), spent the weekend driving from Austin, TX to Lincoln, NE and then this week has been all about unpacking and going to my new office and starting my new jobby-job.

Unfortunately, Time Warner sucks ass and I won't have TV or the Internets in my new digs for the next week. However, I am fortunate enough to be able to steal borrow the internets from one of my neighbors' unsecured wireless networks. Armed with pirated internets and a mostly unpacked house, I can finally get back to posting normally.

As for my new city of residence, Lincoln hasn't changed a lot since I left a year ago. Really, there are only two big differences:

  1. Someone built a theater where they will serve you alcohol and food.

  2. My old roommate bought a 46" TV.
Intrigued by the first change, Shorty and I saw Fracture a couple nights ago (the theater apparently only shows 2nd-run movies). On the whole, the experience, while good, doesn't compare to the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin. While it is cool that there is a bar in the theater (so you don't have to go through waiters), that means you hear the bartenders making drinks throughout the movie. On the other hand, you do get to sit in couches at this new theater though...I guess the deciding factor is that Alamo shows funny videos before the movie, like this one from when I saw Die Hard last week.

Anyway, Fracture itself featured Anthony Hopkins and was quite good. I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't care how old Sir Anthony is, he is probably in my BCS top 5 people I wouldn't want to wake up and see in my room in the middle of the night. He scares the hell out of me as compared to this old white guy that just makes me laugh.

...Back to Lincoln - After checking out the first big change, I went over to my old residence to check out the new TV. We ended up watching Epic Movie on the new big screen. Turns out that even the sweet picture couldn't save that movie. It was awful. I would have rather stared at a stationary image of the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie (how ridiculous do they look!) or this ludicrous unicorn video rather than watch that. I think I may have chuckled twice. Maybe. Turns out that I watched the MLB All-Star game on an alternate TV in the same room and I still feel like I wasted a valuable portion of my life.

Speaking of MLB, people wonder why baseball is no longer considered America's pastime - I think this commercial explains it.

I'll let you decide whether this was actually what helped baseball's popularity or doomed it to failure.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Transformers: True American Heroes

Happy 4th of July everybody! Since it is a holiday, I'll keep it short. Yesterday, I saw Live Free or Die Hard. It was awesome; a perfect mix of action and cheesy story. If you enjoy bald, older men or the guy who got crushed by the fat cheerleader in Dodgeball. then I highly recommend it

Anyway, a movie that actually came out this week is Transformers. I used to love Transformers when I was younger and my parents still have all of my old Transformers toys boxed up. Anyway, one of the biggest reasons I used to love Transformers was because of the genious cartoon. So, what better way to celebrate the 4th and my love for Transformers than watching a clip of the Korean version of the show. Nevermind. That video was too painful. You can watch it on that link. Instead, watch Stephen Colbert's Korean music video.

I think that is actually the same guy doing the voices for everything. It is painful. Please tell me you didn't make it through all of that. Sorry if you did - its not even that funny, its more absurd. To make up for it, here is a link to a collection of Megan Fox picture articles. Who's Megan Fox? She's in Transformers. See, it all ties together. Here's a video of her on one of my favorite shows, Two and a Half Men.

Have a good 4th.