Grumpy Old Men Are Always Funny

You may remember a couple of weeks ago when we saw a kid film himself purposely (?) failing a bunch of driving lessons. Well, here's a longer version with the dude who was swearing. If you laughed the first time, you'll laugh at this.



Swearing is one thing, but now I'm gonna step it up into fighting. Check out this clip - you'll laugh in under 20 seconds.

Re: Restroom Etiquette

No new SNL this week, which means no SNL clips from me. It did surprise me that my DVR didn't tell me who the guest host was, however. All it said was "An ensemble cast performs a variety of skits," which psyched me out until I figured out it was a rerun.

It was Easter, so I'll give them a break. In the meantime, I'll give you some required reading. First of all, if you haven't read and voted in the latest Skeet Thrower Draft, you should do that. I'll be announcing a winner in this Friday's post, so voting will be open until then.

Second, you should really start reading Todd's Blournal, specifically, his Men's Restroom Etiquette series. His first real post on the issue, Sight and Sound, is really funny, spot on and has some interesting discussion in the comments.

Special bonus, it has given me a reason to post an animated video about restroom etiquette that I've been trying to find a reason to post for almost 2 years. Its over the top but also SFW, just so you know.



I usually leave the animated stuff to Wheezy (he knows that stuff better than myself), but here's some more animated stuff - its the "outtakes" from the video above. I think are kinda funny, especially if you talk to Wheezy about some of the hassles of animating.



So go read Todd's Blournal and Wheezy's blog and have a good week.

BCS: Man Crush List 2008

Last week I told you I was trying to find a way to stay fresh, and the Skeet Thrower Draft got a great response (be on the lookout for a new one next week). But just because you're staying fresh doesn't mean you have to throw away a staple of this blog. So, starting today, I'll be unveiling my 2008 BCS Lists. Today, the BCS Man Crush List.

Just to recap, here's the rules:

The Rules

1. Anyone, real or fictional, can be a candidate for the man-crush list. Pretty much all this means is you can't just make someone up.

And that's it. It is pretty straight forward. I want to clarify 2 things at this point:

1. I am not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). That said, this is a man-crush list. Take it as you will.


2. The man-crush list is kept at 3 (while my other BCS lists stretch to 5).

Anyway, without further ado, here it is.

The BCS Man-Crush List

3) Joel McHale
Joel hold's down the 3rd spot again this year. The Soup was one of the only shows that consistently produced through the writer's strike and I consistently looked forward to the half-hour with him each week. Plus he's got this video which is kinda applicable to this post.



2) Rainn Wilson

His ability to portray Dwight is amazing, but its the fact that he's funny at a lot of other stuff as well that gets him on this list. I don't really have any stipulations for making this list, but the fact that I will watch anything I find with Rainn Wilson is pretty telling.

Here's a couple creepy Rainn Wilson clips that you probably haven't seen. First, Rainn on CSI.



Second, Rainn on Six Feet Under (gracias to Wheezy for the hat tip).



It shows how talented of an actor he is that he can play those roles and still do this:



1) Michael Cera
Michael Cera takes the top spot on this year's BCS Man Crush list. Much like Rainn, I watch anything and everything that features Michael Cera (including all of these videos). He tops Rainn with some solid movies like Juno and Superbad. Plus, I get a half-chub just thinking about an AD movie. Also, I love retro polos. Anyway, here's an old clip.



And that's the man crush list. Sadly I had to remove Jack Bauer (no shows and I'm not watching the DVD's again...we've just grown apart) and Gilbert Arenas because he's been injured too much and his injury last year cost me a championship. That said, Gilbert almost made it because of these ridiculous shoe commercials.





On second thought, maybe it's better that he's a runner up...

Have a good weekend.

Clay Aiken Sucks (and the Claymates too)

Let's do an exercise today. Think of an animal to describe yourself. I'll wait a few seconds, so go ahead and do it...
...
...
I'm not sure what animal you thought of yourself as, and I really don't want to explain why I chose my animal, so I won't talk about that either. That said, I will tell you I didn't think of myself as a few animals like any birds, a hippo or a Tyrannous Rex. Definitely, not a bull; however, sometimes I feel that I'm taunted like a bull. Every once in a while I feel like someone holds a big red cape out in front of me and is begging me to attack. And, for some reason, today I'm charging.

Someone told me a while ago that Clay Aiken has one of the most rabid fan bases of all time. Apparently, they call themselves Claymates, which is awesomely retarded. Anyway, apparently Claymates scour the intermets searching for people that bash Aiken, post that link on a message board and then swarm that site in protest. I discussed this a few months ago with my boy Wheezy and I think we decided it wasn't real. But after hearing this rumor float around again, I am going to test it out myself (Side note: I guess it could kinda be real - Clay Aiken has 5 pages of entries on Urban Dictionary. The first few pages are clearly his fans - the last couple are not...and way funnier).

I can honestly say I watched American Idol for the first season and a half. Much like with Survivor, I was intrigued to see how the US would adapt to this reality show, on FOX no less. Midway through the second season; however, I began rooting against someone - Clay Aiken. He just bugged me and I didn't even think he was very good. While I was never impassioned dumb enough to vote either way, I secretly rooted for him to lose. And fortunately he did (to someone who has been cut by his label already).

Then he came out with that annoying song Invisible...do you remember that song? No? Well, here's a video that should adequately capture the creepiness/crapiness of that song.



Nice love triangle in that video...In any case, now he's said he has "Shut off his urges for sex". That would be like me saying I have shut off my urges to be an NBA player and/or Thug rapper - first of all, its a lie; secondly, it doesn't matter because it will never happen. Look at the picture up there! Who's getting duped by that? No one. And, fortunately for him, he's smart enough to realize this and try to "shut off his urges."

Let's recap:
- Looks ridiculous/not attractive: Check
- Makes annoying music: Check
- Dumb: I'll give him this one since he's smart enough to realize the first two

But really, can you blame Clay Aiken for still being around? No. So, who do you blame then? Idiot people - the Claymates. These people are somehow keeping him around, barely in our brains just to warn us that someday he may be back. Jesus, people. Get a life. Let him drift away into his sweet nothingness of no sex while replaying the final scene from his season of American Idol over and over again in his house. Then, these attacks on his looks/skills will stop. But we can't expect that, can we - because this is you:



God Help Us.


* If you regularly read this site and are a Clay Aiken fan: First, come on! And, second, you knew this was coming eventually.

One Nutty Buddy

As a dude, there are several things you learn growing up. One of them is getting tagged in the nuts is not a lot of fun. I remember the first time I got hit, playing t-ball when I was 5. I was playing 3rd base, took a line-drive right off of the tee. I immediately buckled over, feeling the worst pain of my short-lived life. Ever the competitor, I grabbed the ball, crawled to 3rd base, and got the force-out from the unmercifully slow kid on 2nd base. Then I went and sat on my mom's lap. Knowing that, why would anyone ever wear the pants shown on the left? It doesn't make any sense. Do they expose your nuts? No. But why would want your cod piece hanging out of your pants. What happens if you get a random boner? What then? I guess the only reason you would weat these would be for an easy-access handskie.

...back to baseball. After t-ball, we moved up to machine pitch and they required you to wear a cup. My coach always threatened to do a cup check (by tapping you with a bat, what are you thinking?), but I never saw him do it. Back then, we just bought plastic cups - we didn't have these crazy cups. This guy, a former MLB player I guess, takes a pitching machine to the nuts from relatively close range. There's a little bit of setup, but its kinda nuts and makes you really nervous if you're a guy.



I don't care who you are - that guys an idiot. Although maybe not as dumb as this guy. If you want to see a few more pitching machine tests, there are a bunch of them in this video.



I don't know why watching a guy get hit by pitching repeatedly not in the cup is funny, but that made me laugh.

(HT: D&T)

24 Season 7 Preview

When I moved to Lincoln, I left knowing that I would be back in just a few months. I knew that Nebraska would play Texas at football and that I would take the opportunity to go visit.

So, Shorty and I bought plane tickets and lined up football tickets, but since, as a Nebraska fan, I've been kicked in the nuts over-and-over again this year, I've given up the football tickets. Fortunately, I still kept the plane tickets and this afternoon, I'm flying to Austin (in fact, I may be flying right now while you're reading this). Unfortunately, this means that I probably won't be updating the blog as I'll be doing other stuff like gorging myself with delicious food and visiting a certain street. I should be back with some stories/pictures/and videos on Monday.

Speaking of Mondays, one of my favorite things about Mondays is 24. Well, the Season 7 trailer is going to be released "officially" today sometime, but its already been leaked onto the Internets. And, you know I'm gonna give it an entire post.



Holy Nuts, Tony Almeda! After a mediocre season 6 plot (although the Bauer kills were awesome), I'm hoping season 7 rebounds. Not to be outdone by Jack Bauer, here's a video of a wasted Kiefer Sutherland. I don't need to say anymore.

Casual Dress Friday: Where Did Carlton Alfonso Go?

Its a Casual Dress Friday and its been a crazy last 24 hours for me. Here's a list of the things I've done:

1. Watched Shorty move from healthy, to deathly ill, to OK, to sick


2. Realized that I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life in the last few months


3. Finally broken ground on a top-secret project that will change our (yes, that's you and me) lives forever


4. Redesigned the blog, a whole 10 posts ahead of schedule (theres a column on the left side now!)

See? I've been very busy. And that list doesn't even factor in the start of the college football or NFL seasons this week or my brother getting married last weekend. Busy times!

You know what I like to do when I get busy and feel like I don't have enough energy? Stay up a little later than I should and mix in some old-school Fresh Prince featuring former man-crush Will Smith.

Most of the time that cheers me up. But last night my mind drifted off on Carlton Alfonso Ribeiro. On a side note, until today I always thought it was Riveiro, not Ribeiro, huh. How did a talent like this just drift off into the sunset? He was clearly a higher profile guy than Will Smith going into that show - so how did he fall off. If nothing else, I guarantee you that he had more street cred thanks to dances like this.



That scene right there may have very well propelled the next few years of Carlton's Alfonso's life. He got a record deal featuring the single Dance Baby, was featured in a Pepsi commercial with Michael Jackson and wrote a book in which he discusses how to break dance (it even comes with a fold-out breaking board and a soundtrack). Here's the advertisement for the book.



I want to know how many people that couldn't/shouldn't dance, bought "Breakin' and Poppin'" and tried to learn to dance (and rap). Let's be honest, I would have been one of those people. For $19.95, I'm upset I missed out on that hot-ass deal...I just tried calling that number from the commercial. No one answered. If you get through, let me know.

So, Carlton Alfonso was on TV, had a MTV commercial, a CD and a book deal all 5-10 years before Will Smith even appeared on TV. So how come no one thinks of Carlton Alfonso anymore. I mean, he was in an Andy Williams Christmas Special. He could have had his own Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Float. How come he's not in feature films or making CD's called Big Carlton Alfonso Style? I guess we'll never know.

If nothing else, couldn't some one get Carlton Alfonso on the newest edition of DWTS? I mean Kelly from 90210 (it looks like Brian Austin Green should have watched "Breakin' and Poppin'") is on there and she was a shady biatch when she stole Dillon from Brenda (not that I hold a grudge or anything).

Update: I just put my check in the mail and mailed it to that Breakin' and Poppin' address. I expect to receive my book pronto or else I'm coming for you Carlton Alfonso.

Have a good weekend.

Casual Dress Friday: No, You Make Me Suicidal

It's a Casual Dress Friday here at the Skeet Thrower and if you're not deaf and you listen to music on the radio, you've heard Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston. This song is atrocious. Ok, it wasn't so bad at first, but between being kinda annoying and tremendously overplayed...let's just say I swear and change the radio station every time I hear it. I don't understand how someone can take a brilliant song like Stand By Me (originally sung by Ben E. King, by the way) and make me want to punch someone when I hear it. I don't understand how this situation could get any worse.

Well, thankfully somehow, JoJo has found a way. She has a "response" to Sean Kingston also entitled Beautiful Girls (the rarely used crap link!). The lyrics of the hook are as follows:

I'm way too cool for ya boy
Thats why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say its over
Damn all us beautiful girls
We're only gonna do ya dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal when we say its over

You can't do a response to a non-diss song, JoJo. But in case you wanted to know, you do make me suicidal, but its not because you're beautiful you crazy jailbait queen (do you know that she released a song named How to Touch a Girl - that was a precarious search), its because your song makes me want to drive off of the bridge I drive over every day.

Speaking of taking a dive - here's a video from ESPN's X Games that you're gonna see everywhere today. This dude does some crazy jump/spin thing, comes up the ramp/half-pipe, loses his board and falls like 50 feet...and walks away. Nutso.



My first reaction was to laugh like Stewie, then I was like "Holy Nuts" (and I felt like I needed to go to church) then I got bored so I hit fast-forward to see the ending. Impressive that he just walks away.

While I'm on the topic of ESPN, I finally got to watch the intro to the ESPY's last night, which it good because now I get to post this ridiculous picture from that night. In case you don't know, that's scary chick Serena Williams, and Shorty's BCS Top 5 member Andy Roddick. I'm not sure what she's laughing at there, but I'm pretty sure that she's just laughing at something on (or maybe just directly at) Andy's cod piece. Maybe Andy had whatever trophy this girl (Christie Kerr) was kissing hanging out of his pants.



Have a good weekend.

Casual Dress Friday: Shorty's BCS Top 5

Its a casual dress Friday here at the Skeet Thrower and today is a weird day because it is the first time in the history of the Skeet Thrower that I am going to allow a ghost guest writer to actually write something on the blizog. But before I do that, allow me to tell you a little story.

About two weeks ago, I came home from work and was greeted by something strange. Usually, I come home, my dog goes nuts and my wife usually says something to the extent of "Hi, dear." Instead, this day I was greeted with "Salma Hayek, huh? And why did you post that same Vanessa Marcil video again?" If you couldn't figure it out, my wife found the BCS Top 5. Fortunately, I wasn't trying to hide anything from her, so it wasn't like I was in trouble or anything - she was just curious. Anyway, not to be left out, she immediately began working on her list. About a week ago, she asked me when I was going to post her list. My reply: "When you do all of the hard work. I'm not looking up any cod pieces on the Internets...Google already thinks I'm gay enough."

To my surprise, Shorty spent the next hour evaluating pictures, watching videos and writing the summaries. So, since you already know the rules, here is Shorty's (unadultered by me except for some formatting) BCS Top 5.

Shorty's BCS Top 5

5. John Krasinski
John Krasinski (The Office) is my most loveable! He’s just got that fantastic personality, plus he is funny has hell! Go Team Pam!

4. Most Obtainable: Bryan Greenberg
Bryan Greenberg is my most obtainable. Plus he was born in Omaha! I began to like him on One Tree Hill (yes, my favorite girly show) and now enjoy the new series October Road (yes another girly show)!!!

3. Taye Diggs
Taye Diggs is my “nice to look at.” He’s got a killer smile, plus I got to see his butt in How Stella Got Her Groove Back!

2. Andy Roddick
Andy is my “tennis instructor.” I’m sure I could learn a few things from him!! Plus, he lives in Austin, well at least one month a year!!

1. Dwayne Wade
First of all, Dwayne is my “grrr!” That man is just telling me to “come and get it!” Plus, I would put Dwayne Wade in my “fave 5” way before I would ever put Charles Barkley in my fave 5!

Injured Reserve: Chad Michael Murray is the guy I should hate, but just can’t! He’s just too damn hot. However, I did decide to switch him with John Krasinski because he is engaged after already being divored (bad move, he was married to Sophia Bush (NSFW)) to an 18 year-old chick!!

Ok, that's her list. Let's be honest, there are more exclamation points in that list than there than there have been on the Skeet Thrower in the previous 147(!) posts combined. That's impressive. Also, I'm not sure why she gets to sneak an injured reserve in there. Anyway, hope you enjoyed her list.

Now, you know I can't leave you without a video, so here is a video of ridiculous movie death scenes (starting with Shark Attack 3: Megalodon!) to slingshot you into the weekend.



Have a good weekend.