Real Life vs. My Life

Well, as I said on Monday, I just returned from Vegas. I've said before, I think Vegas is like Disneyland for adults - life just doesn't seem real there. That said, I think I live a lot of my life on the webernets and it turns out that isn't real either. Fortunately, my boy Vasquez sent me this video to sort things out.



I never watch/read Red vs. Blue but that video might force me to do so. Anyway, now that I know what's real and what's not, it's time to put it to the test. Here's a video, you tell me if you think it's real.



OK, so not only is that not real (was anything on 90210 really plausible?) but its a modified clip from the show. Still funny and ridiculous. You know what else is ridiculous? The guy singing in that video, David Silver Brian Austin Green (featuring bonus white rap music video!), is railing Megan Fox.

In any case, here's one more video - I'm more inclined to believe this is real except for the multiple angle things. Either way, it's always funny to see people get pissed and start overreacting - and this video has that.

Mortal Kombat!

One of my favorite games growing up was Mortal Kombat. Just about every version of that was a lot of fun and I spent way to much time trying to get the fatalities to work. In any case, here's a video about fatalities that made me laugh. There may be some inappropriate things said in this video.



Speaking of fatalities, here's a video with a ton of the MK3 fatalities.



BTW: Make sure to tell Wheezy happy birthday today.

The Legend of Scottie Pippen Continues

Well, after a couple of days and a few "Leave Clay Aiken Alone" emails, it looks like the blizog is still kicking. Good to know that the Claymates power has waned.

In any case, a couple of weeks ago, I showed you an awesome video of Scottie Pippen advertising a six foot sub (with bonus lack of emotion!). Well, today, I bring you the follow up - the introduction to Scottie Pippen's Sega CD(!) game, Slam City. This was a "full-motion" video game where your buttons controlled what the video did. I have no real clue though - I never played it (Did you ever even play Sega CD? Because I didn't).



There's that Scottie Pippen enthusiasm at the end. Although after listening to it a second time, I'm pretty sure he also is doing the lyrics for the theme song - at least there's a little enthusiasm there. Its too bad for Scottie that some other douche bag had the mid-90's basketball player hip-hop thing all locked up because I'm pretty sure he would have killed it there. Interpret "killed it" as you will...

HT: Cracked

Crazy Frustrating Video Games

Until high school, growing up all I had in my house was a classic NES. While this meant I got to play a lot of awesome games, it also meant I got to play some really, jank games. Some were just really hard and some games were just impossible to beat due to flaws in the programming (like you physically can't beat it). There was nothing more frustrating than playing a uber-hard/impossible to beat game and its probably good that I didn't swear when I was younger because I'm pretty sure I would have been grounded and lost the Nintendo.

Anyway, a friend of mine sent me a link to download the hardest NES game I never played (the first link on the page is where you can actually download the game). But he said that before I downloaded it, I should watch a video of the game play. Being that it was something crazy that I can't read, I decided to check it out. I've included the video below, so you can check it out too (its long, but its worth it). Turns out its a Super Mario Bros. mod and if you've ever played Super Mario before you'll immediately recognize it.



Basically everything you know is wrong. How can a 1-up mushroom kill you? Why does a bad guy come out of a box? Why is Mario some crazy cat thingy? How can you have negative lives? And having to commit suicide after beating the level...that's just mean.

I haven't downloaded the game yet because I don't know if I'm ready to swear at my computer yet, but sometime when I'm ready to torture myself I'll probably do it. Anyway, here's the second level...this thing can even kill you on the transition.



You can see the another two levels here and here. I have no clue how long this game is (it looks like it ends after the 4th level), but if I make it this far, I'll prolly be done anyway.

I'm a Man...

...and I pee standing up (you thought I was gonna go with the I'm Forty line there, didn't you? Well, I gotcha then). What does this have to do with anything? Well, I'll get you there, but, first, answer this question: Have you ever laughed at Engrish? If you laughed at the picture on the left (either previously, just now or both), then you have enjoyed Engrish, which is basically incoherent English from our friends in Japan (two references to Japan in two days!). Apparently direct translations to English from Asian languages don't work out and, often, result in hilarious outcomes. For instance, take this picture from Arrested Development where the Chinese subtitles where translated directly to English.


The actual line spoken there? "What is wrong with you?" That's awesomeness. What does all this have to do with standing up while you relieve yourself? I'm getting there. Anyway, beyond Engrish, Japan is known for churning out some pretty sweet video game stuff. Of course, porting games directly from Japanese to English can have some pretty hilarious results as well. If you've played games before, you are probably familiar with the phrase "All Your Base Are Belong To Us."



That's an actual video game (sadly, the voices were added for the video). Still failing to see the connection to #1 here? Well, let me introduce a product called Urinelle to you. I won't tell you what the product does (but if you can't figure it out based on what I've been talking about this entire post, then you're struggling at life), I'll just let this video do the talking. Oh, and while you're watching this, listen to the chorus.



That's right, the chorus of that advertisement is "All your base are belong to us, all you base belong to us, now." I'm not sure what that means. On a side note, I once had a chick come into the dudes bathroom and pee next to me at San Antonio's version of Mardi Gras (SFW). She was way hot, but definitely didn't have one of these and ended up peeing all over herself which was embarrassing for everyone there. In any case, I'm not sure that I would recommend these things for anyone, but hey, I'm a man, and I pee standing up.

See I tied it all together for you. Besides, where else will you get to see a chick pee while standing and a video about a video game all in one day.

Casual Dress Friday: Real Life Dwight vs. Michael

Its a Casual Dress Friday and it has been a very busy week for me. Not only have do I have a bunch of new video games in my possesion: The Simpsons, Contra 4, some Lego game where you can actually be Admiral Ackbar, Ultimate Mortal Kombat and Guitar Hero 3 - speaking of which, if you haven't seen this clip of Cowbell Hero its a must watch.



Sorry, I got distracted, where was I - oh yes, busy - at work we're also within 5 days of a code freeze and I've also been working out every day. Working out is pretty low key. I go, run a few miles, lift a little bit and peace out. I try not to pay attention to anyone else, but the other day I couldn't help it (Long Story Warning: If you have ADD or you just don't want to read this...just skip ahead to the ***).

There were two guys lifting together (I have no clue who they are or what their names are), one in his upper 30's, for the sake of this story, we'll call him Marvin, and one in his upper 20's, we'll call him Derek. Marvin was clearly Derek's mentor and seemed to be more experienced at lifting, so, Marvin was showing his workout routine to Derek. While he was explaining everything, Marvin would tell Derek the number of reps on each machine that he would do (he never did more than one set). Of course, the entire time, Marvin was saying how hard it was and how exhausted Derek would get.

Tired of talking, Marvin goes into an extensive stretching machine to warm up his muscles for the lifting. At this point, I have slowed down my lifting just so I can watch this. Do you ever get the feeling that a train wreck is about to happen so you just pretty much stop whatever you're doing to watch it and you keep trying not to look but you can't help it because you know its coming? This was one of those times.

Finally, after what seemed like 20 minutes, Marvin jumped on a leg machine...unfortunately I was in the middle of a set. I couldn't see what weight he started at, but I could hear him him grunting and struggling to get it up (that's what she said). I quickly pounded out the rest of my reps and took a look at what Marvin was lifting. It was 40 pounds. 40. Just to give you a point of reference, Shorty does around 125 L-Bs on that machine.

Now let's not get it twisted - I don't laugh at what people lift - I can't bench much more than my own weight, but this was bad. The funny part; however, occurred after Marvin traded positions with Derek. Derek wants to increase the weight, but Marvin tells him that it gets really hard around 5 or 6 so he shouldn't. So, Derek jumps on and pounds out 12 reps in like 20 seconds. Right when Derek finishes, Marvin says "Wasn't that f---ing hard?" and Derek says "No. I didn't even feel like it worked me out." Awesome. You could tell that Marvin was pissed but determined to show that his workout would wear Derek out.

Marvin and Derek move through about 3 more machines until Derek looks at Marvin and says (this is an exact quote) "You are weak. I apparently have the strength of you plus me." This, not surprisingly, pissed of Marvin, so on the next machine (which happened to be right next to mine), he tries to throw up 200 pounds. Of course, he immediately hurt himself and Derek had to help him out of the weight room.

I don't know why this was so funny, and describing it probably doesn't do it justice, but it just seemed like a real life version of Michael and Dwight from The Office. The previous story is 100% true.

***If you want to skip the long story, just start reading here.***The best part of it all? The old guy (Marvin) was wearing Reebok Pumps.



Have a good weekend.

Casual Dress Friday: What I'm Doing At Work Next Week

It's a Casual Dress Friday here at the Skeet Thrower and even though I'm on vacation, I thought I'd let you know what I'm looking forward to next week at work.



Have a good weekend.

Has It Really Been Over A Week?

Yes, it appears it has. So, here's what happened - I had a funny post written last week, and then the power died at work. I lost like 15 minutes of work, said I would get to it later but never did. Suddenly, it was Friday, so I wrote a SuperBad post, which I posted and then pulled immediately because it had like 5 clips from the movie, and, honestly, I was afraid they might have been the only funny parts so I didn't want to ruin it for you people. Fortunately, the movie was freaking hilarious (albeit a bit crude - I wouldn't recommend it for mi madre). I highly recommend it - I think it was better than Knocked Up. Back to my excuses - this weekend, my brother graduated, so my parents flew into town and stayed with me. Finally, I played a lot of Wii, but thanks to some bullshit from Super Mario Strikers Charged, I'm finally off of my Wii high.

Anyway, I finally decided to finish the post from last week. It is posted below.

---

My boy Wheezy may not remember this, but on the first weekend of college my freshman year, a guy named Fatback was introducing me to a bunch of people he knew in the dorms. When he introduced me to Wheezy, he called him one of the funniest guys he knew. Wheezy then proceeded to show me a video of him and his friends doing some ridiculously choreographed wooden sword fight, which they did solely because they had long wood...en swords. Why am I talking about this? Because of this video.



What in the hell is this? Wheezy's video was clearly the case of a couple guys being goofy. These people, however, are running around doing some real-life world of warcraft shit, or something like that. I think someone trying to use a ho (SFW) as a weapon. You do this when your like 8 not 18-35. Also, as recklessly as these people are swinging their swords, they apparently have never seen this video (some NSFW language).



For some reason, that video reminds me of a more ridiculous version of the Dodgeball instructional video and this ridiculous German Forklift video that is a must watch if you have never seen it. Its long, but worth it (that's what she said).



If you're counting, that's two ridiculous videos featuring someone's hand getting cut-off. If that craziness is too much for you, perhaps some real-life weirdness is what you need. Here's a video where you see John Stamos' weird, and I mean weird, belly button (as a bonus, you also get Tom Selleck's and Conan's belly buttons).

Wii + Birthday + Olympics = No Posting

So here's how my life has gone since Wednesday:

Thursday: Work until late, then go buy the last Wii in Lincoln. Unable to play Wii because I worked in my wife's classroom until 11:30.

Friday: Took the dog to the vet, paid a bunch of bills, went car shopping and played some Wii and some DS. Then my wife and her friend threw me and a friend a surprise birthday party. Good times.

Saturday: Car shopping then Beer Olympics (which took all day).

Sunday: Sleep and work in Shorty's classroom. Then play some Wii at night.

What does all of this mean? Unfortunately, I'm behind on the Internets and am short on posts. Sorry. I won't leave you without a video (two actually) today. Here's evidence that Joakim Noah still can't dance.



He should prolly just go ahead and take a cue from this chick (I love that Kanye's remix of that Daft Punk song, by the way). In other news, here is a kid that is trying to follow in Noah's footsteps.



Looks like he'll have to work on the athletics a little bit.

Who Didn't Love Mike Tyson's Punch-Out?

Good news! The internets are being installed in my house today! Turns out Time Warner Cable is really, really slow. Honestly, I can hook up my cable box, just flip the damn switch, TWC. Anyway, once I have the internets at my disposal, I'll be able to return to normal posting (hopefully).

Anyway, as I said Sunday night, I was watching the ESPY's. They were hosted by basketball god Lebron James (doing a Bobby Brown song there) and Jimmy Kimmel. I've always liked Kimmel since The Man Show, but I wasn't sure whether he could make it on a late-night talk show. I knew he would make it when his show survived a week with Mike Tyson as a co-host. I love Mike Tyson because he's crazy, but my favorite thing about Tyson was Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. The only way that game could have been better was to have Phil Hartman do the commercial. If you've ever played Punch-Out, and specifically Mike Tyson, you may not think that it can be beaten, but this video shows it can happen.



Let's be honest, Mike Tyson complementing someone on their finger speed is both improbable and ironic (considering is finger rape charges). Also, if you're ever in a situation where Mike Tyson winks at you (watch his eye very closely on the screen after he is beaten), be very scared. Also, that may be one of the worst Nintendo game endings ever (that may be a challenge, I'm not sure), considering how hard it was to get there. That's the real shot to the nuts. Seriously, there should have been a bonus level like this one where you get to fight Michael Jackson as Macaulay Culkin.



If you were paying attention today, there is two Bobby Brown references in the post. I'm not really a huge Bobby Brown fan, but you know who is? Whitney Houston. And anytime I mention Whitney, I get to show my favorite clip from The Soup. A stretch? Maybe, but it is worth it.