Friday, March 21, 2008

Skeet Thrower Draft: Wipe One Person From The Earth

Well, after the last draft (congrats to Ross for narrowly pulling that out...that's what she said) got such good feedback, I've decided to keep it as a staple.

No need to wast time - I welcome you to the second Skeet Thrower Draft.

Topic: Wipe One Person from the Face of the Earth, or, more specifically, if you could make one person disappear forever, it would be this person. You're not killing them, just making them and their influence disappear. This is what blogs were made for, right?

Participants: Wheezy, Myself, Laura, Adam, and Ross (same as last time, different order)

4 rounds, snaking order. Go.

First Round

1. Wheezy: Carlos Mencia.
Done.

Ross: Link

2. MM: Fergie.
Need Evidence?
Clumsy
Fergalicious
Big Girls Don't Cry (plus annoying remix)
My Humps
London Bridge

How much better would the world be without this face?


Dan: I must say, so far this draft is off to a WONDERFUL start.

MM: Please don't watch all of the videos I linked. You may shoot yourself in the face.

3. Laura: Paris Hilton
I really hope that doesn't need an explanation.

Wheezy: I thought someone already took care of that (graphic violence warning). Wait... that's just a MOVIE? Balls.

Laura: SICK.

4. Adam: Billy Packer
I've had some late warroom debates over this pick. I think I'm going to select to Billy Packer with my first round selection. His constant analysis just kills the buzz of every game he and his boy Nantz do. Its not that his analysis isn't sound, it's just the opposite of what makes the tournament and college basketball great. The Final Four is always such a drag because everyone's sitting through a 6 hour thesis about zone defenses. I don't care if he's right. I want screaming and people telling me I'm watching the greatest game of all time.

Draft Note: The following comment for some reason stayed in my drafts box and never made it into the draft, but I'm including it anyway
MM: Fair enough. But how can you hate Packer after he gave us this comment:


5. Ross:Bill O'Reilly.
I know you like to keep it clean here, but fuck that guy. I almost left this one for Wheezy, but he needs to go now.

Wheezy: I wish I would have picked him first now. Good job, Ross.

Second Round

6. Ross: Kathy Griffin
In an effort to avoid all political picks I'm going to change gears and go with Kathy Griffin, or maybe it's Griffith. I can never remember, and I'm not going to waste my time looking for a webpage to validate her name. Watching one of her stand up bits was like watching a train wreck. It was so awful, but I couldn't look away. There was one whole bit where the entire punchline was her just saying wiggity wack, over and over again. Well Kathy, with my second pick, you are wiggity whacked.

Laura: This pains me to admit, but there are now two people drafted that I like...

Wheezy: It better be Griffith(n?) and Fergie because if it's O'Reilly or Mencia I'm petitioning the internet to disown you from the human race. No offense.

7. Adam: Jared the Subway Guy
I can't figure out if Subway is legitimately trying to get the general public to convert to a diet that consists completely of sub sandwiches, or if the intent is just to dwell on the fact that Jared was so f-ing fat that he somehow justified eating sub sandwiches for the rest of his life in order to somehow IMPROVE his quality of life - but whatever it is, we get it. We don't need to be raped by this meaningless marketing campaign for another ten years. You guys sell ham sandwiches, and Michael Strahan and Tony Stewart once hung out with a guy that used to be fat and decided ham sandwiches for every fucking meal would be an acceptable way to spend the rest of his life.

8. Laura: Ann Coulter
Link

9. MM: Tyra Banks
I really hate a lot of people on this list. A lot. But the worst thing to me is when someone moves from OK to ludicrous. Tyra Banks used to be hot, she was banging Chris Webber back when he was cool and she was in the swimsuit edition back when that mattered. Then all of a sudden she drops off the deep end. Now, she's just really, really annoying. I want to punch her every time I see her and what makes it worse is that her talk show made it and Tony Danza's didn't. I could give you so many ridiculous clips as evidence, but here the worst.



10. Wheezy: Peter Liguori - President of Entertainment, FOX Broadcasting
I was going to save this for a later draft pick, but I'm worried that Ross will steal a second of my brilliant draft line up. So for my second pick I bring you: Peter Liguori. Why?



President of Entertainment? How about President of horrible horrible decisions.

Third Round

11. Wheezy: Mohammed bin Dhaen al-Hamli - President of Opec.
For my next pick, I'm once again to to choose the head of an organization I dislike based on the logic that he has the most influence over the decisions of that organization. Because I drive a V8 Ford Explorer and I can't even fill my car up at the since most stations cut off the pumps automatically at $50. I'm gonna have to start riding around on a Vespa.

MM: That is impressive. I was not expecting an oil tycoon. Seems like you're really starting to hate on presidents of corporations...

Wheezy: Just don't go making yourself president of anything in the next couple of days and I think everybody will make it through unscathed.

12. MM: Lauren Conrad
I love pointless debates (technically, that's all this is), but the debate over who I would rather bang between ultra-hot Kristen and whiny Lauren pissed me off. Not because I don't like hypothetical who'd you rathers but because the show "Laguna Beach" hurt my brain. Usually a sucker for MTV programming, I hated that scripted reality show and represents all that is wrong with our society. Why would she choose her boyfriend over Paris? Why would anyone choose her over Kristen? Why do I know this much about a show I don't watch/hate. Anyway, she would have fallen off the radar until I heard MTV is bringing her damn show back again. Fuck. She's like a zombie vampire that just won't stop sucking my soul away because even though I'm not watching her I know she's lurking...just waiting to eat my brains.

13. Laura: Rosie O'Donnell
Seriously? That pick was so harsh that it's taken me all day to move past it. But I have: League of Their Own, Sleepless in Seattle, and Now and Then. Those are the only things I can think of that i found her remotely entertaining and the last one was 13 years ago. Besides just being worthless, the whole Trump feud made her annoying. You also can't forget about the Flock of Seagulls haircut.

MM: Man, I hate Rosie. But you can't seriously tell me you like LC? That be the 3rd person in this draft that you like - and that scares me a lot

Wheezy:Rosie was on my list of picks and almost made the cut - but then I had an epiphany whilst filling up on gas. Good pick Ms. Brown. Sorry to say (or maybe proud to say?) I don't even know who Lauren Conrad is. But I take Mueller's word that she's a horrible person. So good pick to you as well.

14. Adam: Kirk Herbstreit.
My third round pick should've been my first. Nebraskans have long cited his bitter attacks against Husker Fans in the "vote for the best teams of all time" special featured all over the youtoob, but just as offensive but also overlooked was the way he voted Penn State '94 ahead of Nebraska '95 in his greatest teams of all time countdown in the bowl season of 05-06. A countdown, which by the way, included an '05 USC as the GREATEST TEAM OF ALL TIME, that would then go on to lose to Texas in the Rose Bowl. This guy constantly lavishes praise upon how dominant USC is, but his constant claims of Big Ten strength are the most damning of his many offenses. His constant attention and assumed competence of the conference inevitably leads towards the Big Ten finding itself with two BCS teams, and again famously threw a fit when Florida was picked to the BCS title game over Michigan. When he's just an ass about greatest teams of all time, it's annoying. But when he keeps the Big Ten relevant - even when they're the worst they've ever been - it's a crime. I hate Kirk Herbstreit and his woman-swooning ways.

MM: I remember back when Herbie wasn't an overly tan, "the best team this year is the best team all-time", Big Ten cocksucker. Those were good times.

Wheezy: Oh Kirk. How far you've fallen.

15. Ross: Keenan Thompson
My final two picks have been difficult. Although the list of worthy candidates is long it finally hit me that Kenan Thompson should be my third pick. He is great at a few things. Unfortunately those things are being unfunny, annoying and making me want to punch Kenan Thompson. He is bad at many things, most noticeably acting and making me laugh. He's so awful that I would not be satisfied to just see him removed from SNL. Good riddance Kenan!

Fourth Round

16. Ross: Dick Cheney
I almost decided to go with a tag team pick of Horatio Sanz, but he's already off SNL and quickly acting his way into obscurity. Instead I choose Dick Cheney. In case somebody after me picks Dubya, I don't want to live in a fictional world where this man is president. No, not even if that fictional world contains no O'Reilly, Kathy Griffin/th, Kenan, Mencia et al. Again I'm going to avoid getting into the politics and it will have to suffice to say the world would be a better place without this man.

17. Adam: Nancy Grace
My fourth and final round selection goes out to select Nancy Grace. It's a close race between her, Lou Dobbs, and Glenn Beck for most miserable and most destructive personality on CNN, but Nancy takes the prize with her throwing of that whole "innocent until proven guilty" perspective out the window. It takes a special bitch to drive one of your interviewees to kill themselves following coming on your show.

Draft Note: This is just a funny Nancy Grace video...



18. Laura: Dustin Diamond
I thought about rounding out my picks with another female. Maybe Tara Reid (she's just pathetic now though) or Rachel Ray (overexposure = bad, recipes = still good). Then last night I was flipping channels and I was visually assaulted by none other than Dustin Diamond. That's right, he's gone on a second season of Celebrity Fit Club. Why can't he go and leave my sweet Screech memories alone? The sex tape was bad, so was the whole house foreclosure t-shirt-selling scam. I could forget those if he disappeared into obscurity, but he refuses. Foul-mouthed and overweight he clings to every second of fame. Get off my TV!!!

19. MM: Tom Cruise
4th round is tough...basically you're pure hatred is gone and now you're just looking for that one person that really pisses me off whenever I see them. Look, I used to love TC. Mission Impossible was great. And how can you not love Jerry Maguire (if Jay Mohr were more relevant, he'd be one of my top picks by the way)? The list of movies I have enjoyed from Mr. Cruise dates back to before I was born, but he's gone off the deep end lately and is the key representative of a "cult". If it was just him, I'd be ok with it, but he took down underrated hottie Katie Holmes (who no longer qualifies because of her craziness) and former BCS Man Crush Will Smith. Now I can't watch the Fresh Prince anymore because all I can think about is how Will Smith is now an idiot. I blame you for this Tom Cruise. You took the Fresh Prince from me. Damn you.

20. Wheezy: Dr. Phil
Like everybody before me has voiced, these last picks were pretty tough. As I was thinking through the list of possible people, I realized that I didn't truly HATE most of these people, they just annoyed me with their rampant stupidity. Is that enough to be "Removed from the Face of the Planet"? Probably not. Most people don't take the likes of Carrot Top seriously, so he's not doing much aside from distilling the world wide pool of comedy, and thus making my own comedic offerings that much more potent.

But then I remembered Dr. Phil, my final pick in the Skeet Thrower draft. I certainly don't take him seriously, but the sad fact is many people do, and for that reason I feel like he should be removed from the face of the planet.

It's bad enough that his brand of "therapy" involves, as put on Wiki's Dr. Phil page, advices that is "at best simplistic, and at worst, invective" (insulting, abusive or highly critical - I had to look that up), but he is the worst of media whores. Let's see. What's the best way to help five completely unrelated strangers with their deeply rooted, complex psychological problems. How about putting them in a house together with a bunch of cameras? That's how MTV does it. Why wouldn't a licensed psychologist do things the exact same way.

Oh wait, Dr. Phil isn't licensed? Well surely there's a logical explanation for that... Oh... the Board of Examiners of Psychologists suspended his license after an ex-patient turned employee of Dr. Phil accused him of sexually inappropriate behavior, and he can't get a new license until he take an ethics class, passes a jurisprudence exam, completes a physical evaluation, undergoes a psychological evaluation and has his practice supervised for one year. Huh. Well that must have been a recent misunderstanding. I'm sure he's well on his way to getting his license back....

That was in 1989????

But he was on Oprah!


And that's it for the draft. I know it was a long post, but what were you gonna do on a Friday anyway.

Yet again, here's where you come in. I've included a poll below, so go ahead and vote (as many times as you want, just refresh the page) for which person drafted the best.

Also, feel free to include people that you would have drafted in the comments. There's nothing better than venting at people on the intermets, so fire away.







Click here to see the draft page and the poll - it won't show up in readers

11 comments:

D Wheezy said...

Just to be clear, Peter Liguori is the President of Entertainment for FOX Broadcasting, and therefore somehow directly related to the cancellation of many great shows, the most important of which being Arrested Development.

Double M said...

Noted and updated.

LauraJean said...

I wish I had remembered Andy Dick. I really don't like him.

D Wheezy said...

Oh damnit. That would have been good. I also contemplated Jack Thompson for some time - but I would imagine the majority of the population doesn't know who he is or don't understand why it's so easy to hate him. Read his Wiki page for a nice healty does of overly conservative unconstitutionalism and overall ridiculousness.

Ashli said...

Okay, I absolutely love this draft. The only thing missing is my involvement in the drafts. Do you have an application process to become involved in this? Perhaps I could pay money or bake brownies? Please Advise.

I very much agree with many of the picks. Good game.
-ashli

Double M said...

I dont know what to do about that ashli. I have been asked by a lot of people to be involved in the drafts. I will talk with the draft committee and see what they think we should do...

D Wheezy said...

Man. Laura is wrecking shop. This is absurd.

Ashli, are you just voting for Laura over and over again in an attempt to solidify the need for more girls in the draft? Come on... spill it.

Ben said...

i cant believe nobody picked STEPHEN A. SMITH.

he just blows.

Double M said...

I was going to pick STEVEN A SMITH, but I decided that since he had been FIRED from the Phili Inquirer he had been hurt enough. FURTHERMORE, his contract is about up with the NBA so they might LET HIM GO. HOWEVER, they seem to like his SHOUTING, so maybe they will DECIDE TO KEEP HIM AROUND!

B Vasquez said...

Couple of notes (sorry I'm late, was out of town this weekend).

Laura, you had a good set until you added Dustin Diamond. His scene in Made will forever stop him from being on my own personal list.

Adam, I'm only aware of 2 people you talked about so that made me not even read the explanation of the other two (plus its 2:30 AM).

Ross, 3 hits for you, 1 semi-hit with Keenan. While I do hate him, I think there were a lot better picks.

Matt, again 3 hits but my lack of knowledge for who Lauren Conrad is scraps the list. And I wanted to vote for you so bad when I saw the first round, but alas it brings me to the same conclusion as previously...

Wheezy, you seem to be the only one with 4 solid "die in a fires". I think my love for AD and hate for Mencia really pushed you to the edge in this one. Guess now it looks like I have a man-crush on you or something. Unfortunately it seems you are still down by 3, but I'll be pulling for you (and emailing all my friends).

Ben said...

speaking of lauren conrad, did anyone see the pictures on wwtdd.com of the other girl from the hills? its super.