Friday, August 31, 2007

Casual Dress Friday: Construda and Some Koolaid

It's a Casual Dress Friday here at the Skeet Thrower and you may have noticed a few changes around here. Most notably, there's a new sweet graphic at the top of the Skeet Thrower, brought to you by my boy Wheezy. I love it. Gracias, senior.

There's going to be a few more changes over the next week leading up to a pretty hefty overhaul by the 200th post. If you check in the late night (our animation has really improved since then, huh.), you may see the blog in shambles - that's when I'm doing the work. Don't worry, it will all be better by the morning (or a couple hours - whatever is first).

Anyway, over the past week I have participated in 3 fantasy football drafts. Three (Holy nuts! Call me Paul Ruud from Knocked Up). Fortunately there's either 10 or 12 teams in each league, so the research I do should be applicable across all of my leagues, so the Skeet Thrower shouldn't suffer. Of course, fantasy drafts (none of which were in person, by the way - proving that this Craigslist entry was not for me) mean one thing - the NFL is around the corner. And that means its time for some wacky NFL news. But rather than rehash some worn-out Michael Vick story lines or make fun of another Bengal getting arrested, I wanted to take a look at one of the good guys in the NFL: Lawrence "Koolaid" Maroney. Why Koolaid you ask? Because of this picture:

If you can't figure it out from the picture, that's a Koolaid emblem at the bottom of his chain. Lawrence Koolaid Maroney is also his name on his (possibly fake) page where his quotes include:

“wash u ass”
“bout time we got some construda in dis [redacted]”
"Your ass backwards if you chase hoes, chase the cheese they come with the shit."

So maybe this detracts from the whole "good guy in the NFL" thing, but I made that up anyway. With respect to his comments, I was intrigued, as I had no clue what construda was. So, I turned to the definitive source - UrbanDictionary. Unfortunately, they did not have any information. Now, there are several entries (and a blog), none of which really seem to adequately define Construda. Guess I'll have to go to my rugged sources on that one. In the meantime, here's a peewee versus mascot football game where the Atlanta Falcon mascot (I assume) decides to make up for all of Vick's animal cruelty on some kids.

Special thanks to Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber for the football related links and pics.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

A Summer Vacation

Holy nuts! A Thursday post! Well, this one couldn't wait. It is The Office's summer vacation summary. If you were wondering what happened to Jimmy and Team Karen, you're questions are answered.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen - Team Karen has failed. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I was a huge Team Karen fan, but after Team Pam made her case so brilliantly in Blades of Glory (NSFWish) I was torn. If you ask me, this clip was funnier than all of the accountant skits last summer but not as weird as this video.

Danny DeVito & The Contract

And if you're complaining about a Thursday post (and I'm not sure why you're reading it if you're complaining), understand that I was so excited when I found this video, I immediately wrote a post. Besides, The Office is on Thursdays, so this video in on a Thursday. Stop Whining.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I Am A Real (US) American*

You may have heard that Hulk Hogan's son drove like a chick derka and crashed his car. It apparently is pretty serious (as compared to idiot, Eddie Griffin). So, what better way to cheer the Hulkster (NSF Anyone) up, than to celebrate some of the best clips of a Real US American (if you have 3 minutes, that is a true must watch - the video rivals David Hasselhoff's - and, perhaps sadly, I have listened to Hulk's video like 8 times straight while writing this). Let's begin - countdown please:

Ok, that wasn't so much of a countdown as it was a singing of the days of the week, but what do you expect from Hulk. The man has wrestled so much (and been on roids so long) - you can't expect him to know the difference between a countdown and the days of the week. But I digress, it seems that Hulk's career has been filled with all sorts of ridiculousness, like appearances on talk shows (do you remember when wrestlers used to be guests on Arsenio.) The best part of that Hulk/Arsenio clip may be the fact that Hulk says that Arsenio will be around for a long time and that Letterman sucks. He really should lay off the roids (and apparently the man meat). Of course, at times it was Hulk's ridiculous statements that made him endearing and hilarious (well, that and the fact that he was being serious). For instance, take this interview with Randy Savage, who may or may not be a hobo.

If you're like me, you spent that entire video hoping that one of those guys didn't blow a muscle/blood vein/have a brain aneurysm. Anyway, lucky for both Hulk's dignity and us, it wasn't just Hulk that said ludicrous things. Take this scene from his movie "No Holds Barred."

Weren't Hulk's movie roles/cameos the best. By the way, if you're counting, that's two Hulk music video links in one day (three if you count that days of the week/fake countdown thing). I don't know if you watched that second one, but it was broadcast from one of the WWF talk shows they used to have - with the worst acting ever (yes, worse than Hulk's). How did the WWF survive? Anyway, all these videos have made me hungry. Fortunately, Hulk can help me out with that as well.

Strange, I don't remember seeing Pastamania the last time I was in the Mall of America...

* Yes, this is a reference to one of the most ridiculous and over-covered stories. If you haven't seen the video of Miss South Carolina (Miss Teen USA 3rd-place finisher!), click here. She must have listened to Hulk's video as well.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Casual Dress Friday: Avril, I Wish I Could Quit You

Its a Casual Dress Friday here at the Skeet Thrower and I know that some of you that aren't basketball fans are thinking to yourselves "Thank God it is summer - Double M won't be able to talk about basketball for like another 3 months." Well, if that's the case - you apparently forgot about the FIBA Americas Championship. I'll be honest - FIBA is worthless (and not to be confused with FILA - they use different rules, the refs are atrocious and, worst of all, their mascot is on the right. I have no clue what that is. It looks like the Veggie Cookie Monster (you'll have that in your head all day if you watch it) with a bunch of bananas on his head. I have nothing really to say about the basketball that is being played - the US should win handily - I just wanted you to see this ridiculous mascot.

Anyway, just over about two months ago, I cut Avril out of my life. Turns out, I just can't do it. I still hate that song Girlfriend. but just the other day I heard Complicated on the radio. And I listened...and I sung...I couldn't give up one of my guilty pleasures. So, I went home and downloaded the new album.

And now she's got that new song out (When You're Gone). Its nice. Its no Sk8r Boi, but I don't change the radio station when it comes on. I'd post the video, but its kinda depressing and we can't have that here. So for now, you can be happy, Avril. I'm uncrossing you out of my life. I still don't know how I feel about your new stuff, but I love your old stuff.

(That's a pretty good break for her too, considering Avril has dyed her hair blonde, stole music for a shitty song (and is getting sued for it), made music for a shitty movie and placed behind some band named McFly (sadly, not Marty), who apparently do a mean Queen cover, in The Best Band in the World Contest. You've really climbed back down that ladder of success, huh, Avril. Thank goodness she had some Mad TV rungs to break while she was falling down that ladder. Wait...)

On a side note, how is Mad TV still on the air? Who is watching it?

Apparently now, Avril likes to get drunk and get naked. How is this different from you and me (or maybe just me, I don't know)? She made Complicated. Its like Thriller only for teenage girls...and me.

She does look a bit weird with that pink streak in her hair - I'm not quite sure what that is. Must be a Canadian thing. Anyway, looking at her dress, I'm guessing she's starting to get a little more promiscuous, and that's good news, because maybe her agent will be able to push her away from cameo roles on shows like Mad TV, towards racier cameos like appearances in this slushee commercial.

I'm not sure where racy commercials ranks in terms of huge career moves, but its gotta be better than Mad TV.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Has It Really Been Over A Week?

Yes, it appears it has. So, here's what happened - I had a funny post written last week, and then the power died at work. I lost like 15 minutes of work, said I would get to it later but never did. Suddenly, it was Friday, so I wrote a SuperBad post, which I posted and then pulled immediately because it had like 5 clips from the movie, and, honestly, I was afraid they might have been the only funny parts so I didn't want to ruin it for you people. Fortunately, the movie was freaking hilarious (albeit a bit crude - I wouldn't recommend it for mi madre). I highly recommend it - I think it was better than Knocked Up. Back to my excuses - this weekend, my brother graduated, so my parents flew into town and stayed with me. Finally, I played a lot of Wii, but thanks to some bullshit from Super Mario Strikers Charged, I'm finally off of my Wii high.

Anyway, I finally decided to finish the post from last week. It is posted below.

My boy Wheezy may not remember this, but on the first weekend of college my freshman year, a guy named Fatback was introducing me to a bunch of people he knew in the dorms. When he introduced me to Wheezy, he called him one of the funniest guys he knew. Wheezy then proceeded to show me a video of him and his friends doing some ridiculously choreographed wooden sword fight, which they did solely because they had long wood...en swords. Why am I talking about this? Because of this video.

What in the hell is this? Wheezy's video was clearly the case of a couple guys being goofy. These people, however, are running around doing some real-life world of warcraft shit, or something like that. I think someone trying to use a ho (SFW) as a weapon. You do this when your like 8 not 18-35. Also, as recklessly as these people are swinging their swords, they apparently have never seen this video (some NSFW language).

For some reason, that video reminds me of a more ridiculous version of the Dodgeball instructional video and this ridiculous German Forklift video that is a must watch if you have never seen it. Its long, but worth it (that's what she said).

If you're counting, that's two ridiculous videos featuring someone's hand getting cut-off. If that craziness is too much for you, perhaps some real-life weirdness is what you need. Here's a video where you see John Stamos' weird, and I mean weird, belly button (as a bonus, you also get Tom Selleck's and Conan's belly buttons).

Monday, August 13, 2007

Wii + Birthday + Olympics = No Posting

So here's how my life has gone since Wednesday:

Thursday: Work until late, then go buy the last Wii in Lincoln. Unable to play Wii because I worked in my wife's classroom until 11:30.

Friday: Took the dog to the vet, paid a bunch of bills, went car shopping and played some Wii and some DS. Then my wife and her friend threw me and a friend a surprise birthday party. Good times.

Saturday: Car shopping then Beer Olympics (which took all day).

Sunday: Sleep and work in Shorty's classroom. Then play some Wii at night.

What does all of this mean? Unfortunately, I'm behind on the Internets and am short on posts. Sorry. I won't leave you without a video (two actually) today. Here's evidence that Joakim Noah still can't dance.

He should prolly just go ahead and take a cue from this chick (I love that Kanye's remix of that Daft Punk song, by the way). In other news, here is a kid that is trying to follow in Noah's footsteps.

Looks like he'll have to work on the athletics a little bit.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Give Me the Gold

Before I get going today, I want to thank everyone for the birthday wishes (I even got a birthday post). It seems like just yesterday that I was writing this post thanking everyone for my birthday last year. On a side note, there's a good Siete de Augusto (that's my birthday in Spanish) reference after Flight of the Conchords sing in this video.

Now that I'm 24, I decided that I would look back over some older videos to see if I still thought they were funny, even though I'm a year older. So, yesterday I watched a bunch of older videos - turns out they are still funny. One that I laughed at really hard for some reason is the Leprechaun video.

Undoubtedly, almost everyone has seen that and the corresponding music video. I want the gold. These people are crazy and they are from the south, and, since I grew up in the south, I knew there had to be more crazy videos on the internets about people from the south. Sufficiently distracted (the guy in that video used to be a big-shot with Diddy - he's fallen off big-time), I began searching for something. Lo and behold, I came across James the narcoleptic tree cutter.

I'm not sure whether that's funny or scary. Ok, let's be honest - that's hilarious. How can you not be dead if you're narcoleptic (the dog in that video is named Skeeter!) and you climb trees? How has he not cut off his leg/arm/head yet? These are the questions that we need to have answered and whenever I can't figure something out, I turn to people who are older than I to help me solve the question. Of course, I'm not really sure who to turn to when I find out that my elders made/watched this movie.

First of all, let's get something straight. I don't turn to people that are older than me, I turn to the Internets. Second, what is that movie? Who OK'd that title? I guess that was supposed to be a comedy movie. Here's the IMDB plot summary:

Two black bounty hunters ride into a small town out West in pursuit of an outlaw. They discover that the town has no sheriff, and soon take over that position, much against the will of the mostly white townsfolk. They raise hell, chase women, and milk the locals for cash, while waiting for the opportunity to get their man.

My favorite part of that clips is when Fred Williamson kisses that chick and says "That's to satisfy your curiosity." Well done, sir - curiosity satisfied.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Fergie is Related to Carrot Top?

Fergie is ugly
As you may recall, I really don't like Fergie. I wanted to shoot myself during the whole "My Humps" thing and it only got worse once we got to Glamorous" (that Chris guy who reads lyrics does a funny interpretation of that song) and "Big Girls Don't Cry." Do you know one of the lines from Big Girls is "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket"? Now, I understand "like a fat kid misses cake" was taken by 50 Cent but that is the best you could come up with? It doesn't even rhyme in the damn song!

I guess I just don't get Fergie. In fact, I cry like Michael Irvin everytime I hear her music. Cry in a bad way. So, with that in mind, I did my best to try and understand how someone could make music that sucks so much. I think this video explained a lot of things.

I assume that the clown in that video did something to her. I'm not sure what - he may have just scared her by going all Donatello with the broom. Speaking of clowns, you may be wondering why there is a picture of Carrot Top and Fergie at the top. Well, thanks to a random blog find on the City Rag, I think I understand Fergie a little better - she is she's related to Carrot Top. I don't hate Carrot Top (unlike Carlos Mencia), but I generally just don't like him/think he's funny. That said, if Carrot Top were to start a singing career, I'd have to go hide in the closet of his dressing room, hoping I wouldn't be discovered and no one asked "who farted?" until I could jump out and beat him to death politely ask him to stop. Speaking of who farted, here's a funny video.

If you didn't catch it, that horse's name is "Hoof Hearted." Very clever. If I had to name a horse it would be "My Cod Piece". Then we could hear things like "My Cod Piece is 4 lengths ahead," "My Cod Piece is charging ahead," and "My Cod Piece is going for the finish!" among other things. That would be awesome. I wish I was a really rich, white dude so I could do that now. You know what else I would do if I was rich? I'd bring back Arrested Development.

Maybe Tobias could help Fergie get over whatever is bother her.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Week In Recap: King Size Me

Its the return of the week in recap! Actually, I just decided its not worth writing a recap whenever I only post a couple times a week. Anyway, on Friday, my wife and I had a king size bed delivered. Now, some of you that know my wife and I may be asking "Why in the hell do you two need a king size bed?" Well, it turns out that my wife is bed-hog and she tries to sleep on our entire queen. As a result, we decided to upgrade to a bigger bed. Of course, my dog will still try to sleep right next to me, no matter how much room there is on the bed.

Even though we got the bed on Friday, we haven't had a chance to sleep on it yet - we've been in Omaha all weekend (and we didn't have any sheets that fit it anyway). We're going back tonight, so it will be awesome to finally get our first night's rest on the king bed. But, enough about me...

On to the Recap...

On Monday, I told you about my weekend in Kansas City, including my trip to a gay bar.

I gave you a glimpse at QVC, a channel I've started watching again, on Wednesday.

Friday was a quick post (pictures!) - in which I complained about JoJo's response to Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls". I also included a clip from a terrible X-Games accident where a guy walked away. I watched a little bit more this weekend and saw this, called the "Kiss of Death Backflip." Pretty Bad Ass.

Have a good week.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Casual Dress Friday: No, You Make Me Suicidal

It's a Casual Dress Friday here at the Skeet Thrower and if you're not deaf and you listen to music on the radio, you've heard Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston. This song is atrocious. Ok, it wasn't so bad at first, but between being kinda annoying and tremendously overplayed...let's just say I swear and change the radio station every time I hear it. I don't understand how someone can take a brilliant song like Stand By Me (originally sung by Ben E. King, by the way) and make me want to punch someone when I hear it. I don't understand how this situation could get any worse.

Well, thankfully somehow, JoJo has found a way. She has a "response" to Sean Kingston also entitled Beautiful Girls (the rarely used crap link!). The lyrics of the hook are as follows:

I'm way too cool for ya boy
Thats why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say its over
Damn all us beautiful girls
We're only gonna do ya dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal when we say its over

You can't do a response to a non-diss song, JoJo. But in case you wanted to know, you do make me suicidal, but its not because you're beautiful you crazy jailbait queen (do you know that she released a song named How to Touch a Girl - that was a precarious search), its because your song makes me want to drive off of the bridge I drive over every day.

Speaking of taking a dive - here's a video from ESPN's X Games that you're gonna see everywhere today. This dude does some crazy jump/spin thing, comes up the ramp/half-pipe, loses his board and falls like 50 feet...and walks away. Nutso.

My first reaction was to laugh like Stewie, then I was like "Holy Nuts" (and I felt like I needed to go to church) then I got bored so I hit fast-forward to see the ending. Impressive that he just walks away.

While I'm on the topic of ESPN, I finally got to watch the intro to the ESPY's last night, which it good because now I get to post this ridiculous picture from that night. In case you don't know, that's scary chick Serena Williams, and Shorty's BCS Top 5 member Andy Roddick. I'm not sure what she's laughing at there, but I'm pretty sure that she's just laughing at something on (or maybe just directly at) Andy's cod piece. Maybe Andy had whatever trophy this girl (Christie Kerr) was kissing hanging out of his pants.

Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

QVC: The Overlooked Channel

I watch a lot of TV. Even in the summer I still DVR like 3 hours a week. I watch all kinds of stuff from sports (last night I watched the AAU Jr. Boys Basketball Championship - I'm pretty sure they could beat every WNBA team) to dancing (yes, I watch so you think you can dance with Shorty - pretty sure that doesn't make me least any more gay) to the news to the Discovery Channel (I particularly like Man Vs. Wild, even if it is fake). But one channel I don't really watch is QVC, mainly because last time I watched it, I spent $700 on US Quarters*. I may need to reconsider; however, as it appears that QVC brings hours and hours of entertainment.

The people and the products are so ridiculous, but what I think makes it funnier is thinking about the demographic that are buying the products. Here's a prime example of a product aimed at their target market.

I guess the demographic for the Facial Flex is middle-aged soccer moms worried about flabby skin on their face that can't afford botox but can afford to shop on QVC. I don't know why you would want to use that instead of just doing facial exercises (That link is a true must watch. Watch it. Do it.).

QVC gets even better when the hosts think the products are shit. For instance, take a look at Mike Rowe - the guy who does Dirty Jobs. He really cares about these products (Thanks to Andy, who gave me the jump on those videos right as they hit the Internets).

Seriously? A Katsak? What cat would enjoy this and why is the product spelled Katsak? Isn't that just a plastic grocery bag inside of a paper grocery bag? Rowe may have been one of the most intentionally funny guys on QVC (you can see more clips here), but sometimes its the crazy stuff on QVC that makes me think I should watch. And when I think of crazy, I think of Britney Spears Lindsay Lohan Paula Abdul.

She even melted down after the show. Her life is a train wreck. Not to be outdone, Suzanne Somers decided just to be herself on HSN. Of course, by herself I mean dumb. The longer you listen to that last clip, the dumber you will be.

Happy Birthday, Ross. While I like belittling everyone, Ross believes that he should be helping other people. You can check out some of the cool things he did in Panama at his blog: here.

* This is a blatant lie